I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
