It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize