You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
a search helicopter?!
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
