he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
