She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
