Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
