I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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