she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
