Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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