So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is Oprah even human
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
