i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize