just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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