There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
