I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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