I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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