Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
