So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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