I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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