the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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