is your mom at the bar?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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