The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
If its not for food we ain't going out.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize