I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
