PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
