i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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