I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
