Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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