I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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