I'm so fucking centered right now
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
