They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
