Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
