ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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