Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
