guys are only as good as the porn they watch
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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