is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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