I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
