Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
