It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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