Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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