I wish I could teleport
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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