i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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