I wish they made helmets for livers.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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