Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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