Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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