Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Sext me about skeletons
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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