i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize