I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
