onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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