Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize