Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
