I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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