Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
