chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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