After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
