my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
