Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
