final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
